Thursday, November 24, 2011

Thanksgiving merriment and mayhem

It all started simple enough. Sister Sue though it would be a great idea to do an invite for thanksgiving for all the kin folk. Sadly she had long forgotten what extremists made up the gene pool of that family tree. Uncle Harry had made a fortune in corn plasters back in the 50s when that was the thing. Now in his late 80s hard of hearing and a staunch ultra conservative it was a miracle that he'd even considering showing up for such an affair. Then there was aunt Ethel, a puffy stocky woman a few years younger than Harry's advanced age. She was that type of woman who'd use just a tad too much make up and wore that sickeningly sweet old lady perfume that left a vapor trail where ever she went. Her favorite past time at any gathering was discussing her gaul stone operation that was better than ten years ago. The details of which changed as time past and embellishments were added. Also the type of woman who was certain she had contracted the latest malady as seen on the front page of the morning newspaper.
Harry was one of those odd beasts. While he maintained a stiff and proper exterior it was discovered that he had a panty collection stashed in the basement although no one would speak of it. But it did make others wonder what other proclivities Harry was hiding. He certainly did have a perverse sense of humor. While Sue was busy preparing "the bird" for the family feast Harry thought it would be a novel idea to slip a cut out of bra and panties just before the turkey was finished cooking to get the above image. Sue being good natured decided just to make it her joke when the presentation came time. The kids sure snickered when aunt Sue gingerly set the platter on the table.
All was going well with the "pass the gravy" and mouthfuls of mash potatoes but then cousin Jeb just had to bring it up. Said he was going down to a peace march in the square tomorrow. Like a lit fuse you could see Harry's face ready to explode. And then the name calling commenced. "Commie!, fascist!, Nazi!, socialist! spewed across the room to the point that even the dog took cover under the couch. Kids were screaming and crying, aunt Ethel grabbed her chest as if to indicate her final heart attack. Sue grabbed a chair to try and separate the two sides.
Little did anyone know that the insidious black sheep of the clan cousin Zeb had played another one of his pranks. Zeb wasn't too bright but he did have a knowledge of gun powder. Always wanting to do something to make front page news he ingeniously slipped his little surprise into the bird. How he did this without Sue's knowledge is still unknown to this day. And as mash potatoes flew and gravy was spilled glasses knocked over a small but very messy explosion was heard. Not the type that would hurt your ears mind you but more like a low frequency thud. It was at that point that Zeb sitting with a cheshire cat grin on his face stood up picked up the remains of the bird and took it outside to show off to the world his prized trophy.

Now if you think any of this is real and the names were changed to protect the guilty you'd be wrong. It was just a little thanksgiving tale to keep you amused because after all who watches those dumb parades any more and the football games haven't started yet. Not that I watch them either.


Bustednuckles said...


I can't believe he lived long enough to get his picture taken.

Happy Thanksgiving to you.


BBC said...

Reminds me of my kin before they died off.

The Blog Fodder said...

good one.

Roger Owen Green said...

i spent tday with relatives who...don't share my worldview, let's just say. thee is a hole on my lower lip where I bit it to stifle myself.